Sorting for Dummies
by Firazh
Summary: Home of unrelated one-shots centred around the theme of sorting or resorting. May contain nuts … ehm, bashing of various characters or houses.
1. What the Hat really wanted to say

Disclaimer: All characters and recognizable story elements belong to J. K. Rowling.

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Another sorting that's about to start. An hour or so of excitement, as I sort this year's batch of little witching brats into their proper houses. And then it's back to the shelf in the headmaster's office for me. With nothing to do for the rest of the year but compose the next load of inane, cheerfully stupid _drivel_ everyone expects of a sorting song.

Yeah.

Right.

You don't get to be as old and dirty as me, and still be the same as when you were created, all innocent and idealistic.

And don't get me started on the demoralising effects of seeing into all those vapid, stupid, empty little heads of the countless brats I had to sort over the course of my existence. It really gets you down, over the ages. Century after century. You'd think they would change, as the world slowly changes around them. But no. Human nature is pretty much the same as it was then, if slightly more refined.

But the base instincts and desires, the things which drive them … nothing much different there, no. Not at all.

If they only knew how boringly the _same_ they are.

If they only knew what I really wanted to say to them …

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 _Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,_

 _Of course I'm not, you dolts. It's a miracle I'm still in as good a shape as I'm now. I mean, it's not as if anyone ever bothered_ _ _cleaning__ _me. After all, that would require someone with_ _ _common sense__ _amongst the faculty._

 _But don't judge on what you see,_

 _But does anyone ever listen to my warning? No. Of course not. You see … a hat. Never mind I'm a talking hat, who has seen into the head of every single bloody student since the time of the founders. Nope. Just … a hat. That's what I am. Of course. Right. Sure._

 _I'll eat myself if you can find_

 _Eew. Just … eew. Why did I put that line in again? I fear I'll have to plead temporal insanity. Gone out of my head … hat? … millinery self out of sheer boredom. After all, it's the same boring shelf day in, day out. That would drive anybody nuts, believe me._

 _A smarter hat than me._

 _What can I say, it's simply the truth. I'd pretend to be humble about it, but who's kidding? As far as hats go, I'm king. Trust me. Even if you can't see where I keep my brain!_

 _You can keep your bowlers black,_

 _Because bowlers are for people like our_ _ _dear__ _'Minister' Fudge. Which really says it all about bowlers, black or any other colour. Don't trust someone who wears them. They are all Fudged up._

 _Your top hats sleek and tall,_

 _Well of course. Top hats are pretentious. And so not witchy at all. Any hat dedicated to the delicate art of sorting students for a magical school cannot possibly be any other shape but_ _ _pointy__ _. I mean, image me with a_ _ _flat top__ _? Horrible, right?_

 _For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_

 _And sort you I shall! I'd do some mad cackling at this point, but I'll leave the scaring of students to the ghosts. And in recent years, one Severus Snape. What can I say, he does an excellent job. Unfortunately, hats can't billow, because boy am I envious of that effect ..._

 _And I can cap them all._

 _Ugh, yes. That's the unfortunate draw-back of my job. I have to sit on your … heads. Now some of those are pretty nice, and clean, and have lovely locks. But some others … eew. Ever heard of shampoo? I'm just lucky the founders included a spell against vermin in my enchantments, or there'd be a serious lice problem in this school after each sorting ..._

 _There's nothing hidden in your head_

 _Unless you are very good at Occlumency, of course. You get some of those now and then, and aren't they a bother. I usually put them right into Slytherin, with the exception of the ones who get stroppy. Those I dump in Hufflepuff, and serves them right, the little tossers. They need a lesson in what's really important._

 _The Sorting Hat can't see,_

 _Omniscience, thy name is Sorting Hat! Well, aside from the aforementioned annoying Occlumens. Really, some of the things I've seen … fascinating. Scary. Horrible. Horribly mundane. Sometimes I don't know which ones are worse. The ones who don't fit in with the rest because of their personalities or their past experiences, or the ones who will forever be mediocre and utterly uninteresting._

 _So try me on and I will tell you_

 _Yes, yes, try me on … and I will try you. I'll tell you where to go, and sometimes even why. And I shall always be right, aside from with a certain number of Slytherins and Hufflepuffs. Cough, cough._

 _Where you ought to be._

 _Of course this begs the question whether where you_ _ _ought to be__ _is really the best place for you. Because according to the edicts of our_ _ _dear founders__ _, I have to sort you where you fit in best … now. Which may not be the best for you little blighters in the long run. Don't blame me, though. Simply following orders here. Mostly._

 _You might belong in Gryffindor,_

 _Because you are proud like the lion, lazy like the lion, a predator hiding behind a majestic exterior like the lion. You strut about, king of your world, like the lion. Chosen protector, take heed you do not come to see the weak and ailing as your prey instead. Beware of self-righteousness, for it can easily lead you astray._

 _Where dwell the brave at heart,_

 _Strong and brave, yet all too often also reckless and prejudiced, rushing in where angels fear to tread. A fierce warrior, good-natured and kind, should be your role, sworn defender of the weak. Integrity and honesty should guide your steps. Do not let yourself be blinded by your own light, but seek wisdom and good council from others, even though it should challenge your own views._

 _Their daring, nerve, and chivalry_

 _You are the bright flame of conviction. You are the fire of purification. Your life is a challenge to do what is right. Yet be kind, be gentle, be the flame that warms, rather than burns. T_ _hink well on the meaning of chivalry and noblesse, else you do more harm than good. Beware of letting honour justify the unthinkable, beware of having pride guide your steps down a slippery slope._

 _Set Gryffindors apart;_

 _Remember that abrasive, self-righteous personalities might serve to_ _ _keep__ _you apart, as well. You are like the cat at play, unaware of the harm done by sharp claws unsheathed. Beware of preaching your believes with fire and the sword, and putting your will before all others. Else you will live in a narrow world with narrow views. And be so very brave, of course._

 _You might belong in Hufflepuff,_

 _Because you are underestimated like the badger, tenacious and stubborn like the badger, you work unseen and hidden like the badger. Hard-working and dependable, many think you doormats to be exploited. Do not let them. You are not brave or wise or cunning enough to make it elsewhere, or so they tell you. Do not believe them. Because in truth, it is often others who are not good enough to be a_ _ _badger__ _._

 _Where they are just and loyal,_

 _Far too many fear justice, because they yearn to do what they know to be wrong. Few will stay truly loyal beyond self-interest. So treasure the ones who can look further than greed, and strive for justice and fairness for us all. Yet remember loyalty needs to be earned, and cannot be one-sided if it is to endure._

 _Those patient Hufflepuffs are true_

 _Do not undervalue patience. Too many want to eat their cake_ _ _now__ _, and yet want to keep it, too. But how much greater the reward if they would only wait? How far more satisfying the outcome if they truly involved themselves, and did not seek to only reap what they never sowed? Treasure the patient gardener, who tends to the beautiful fruits of the earth. Be true to thyself, and do not bend to the pressure of others._

 _And unafraid of toil;_

 _Why do so many fear toil, and look down on the ones who embrace it? What is wrong with hard work, and getting one's hands dirty? I would love to have hands to get dirty, if you catch my meaning. But of course, to all those infantile minds, work is boring. Work is what the boring adults do. Never mind they are here to be moulded into adults in the first place. That is the whole_ _ _point__ _of education. And by that definition, you boring badgers are quite ahead of the rest._

 _Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,_

 _Because you are proud like the eagle, sharp-eyed like the eagle, a predator hiding behind a majestic exterior like the eagle. Yet your prey is learning and knowledge. But those of you truly wise, will realise knowledge alone is not enough. You need to fly free of restrictions, leave the hide-bound behind. And if you truly wish to be the king of the air, like the eagle, strive to not disappoint those who look up to your wisdom._

 _If you've a ready mind,_

 _One that is open, and does not believe it knows better than the rest. Do not fall into the trap of superiority. Do not look down on others because your intellect may fly higher than theirs. For if your head is stuck in the clouds, you will be as blind as the rest. A keen gaze, and an eye for the truth is what you should have. But do not disregard what cannot be openly seen, for the earth hides many secrets from your eyes. Take care not to overreach yourself, for the higher you soar, the deeper you may fall._

 _Where those of wit and learning,_

 _Learning alone does not teach understanding. What may be found in the recordings of others cannot compare to the knowledge gained of experience. Both wit and learning are nothing but dead blooms if you hide them in darkness, and find no use for them. Without purpose, they are but an empty shell. What eagle could find true happiness if he binds himself in secrecy, and hoards his knowledge with the jealousy of a dragon?_

 _Will always find their kind;_

 _Welcome those who are different, because they enrich us. Only through strife can there be advance, and each thesis needs its antithesis to reach synthesis. An exchanging of minds can bring forth far more riches than lonely study ever will. Treasure those like yourself, even though you may disagree. For they are the only ones who will ever truly understand the need and the drive and the satisfaction of knowledge gained._

 _Or perhaps in Slytherin,_

 _Because you are misjudged like the snake, secretive and evasive like the snake, and far more than the obvious, like the snake. Cold on the surface, yet there could be no ambition without passion. Cunning and manipulation needs knowledge and understanding. To overlook what lies underneath is as deadly as the snake in the grass stepped on unwittingly._

 _You'll make your real friends,_

 _Self-serving and sly, yet gracious and generous to those who prove themselves. You present a wall to the outside, and stand united against the world which does not value what it cannot understand. Poisonous yet benign, patron of death and healing alike. Contradiction is your name, misleading your game, your ambition may as easily be to serve as to rule._

 _Those cunning folk use any means_

 _Because you know how to be ruthless and driven by goals. Because you are subtle and adaptable, and always prepared. Resourceful and determined you follow your vision, always pragmatic and with an eye for the details. Thus the best of you. Yet if you lose sight of the way, there is many a pitfall to make you fail. If cunning and self-preservation becomes the end rather than the means, if ambition and greed blinds you to all else._

 _To achieve their ends._

 _If you fail to see the plight of others, if self-reliance becomes a rigid armour, if leadership turns into tyranny, you will be remembered as the worst of the worst. Beware of letting your goals justify any means. Beware of your vision turning narrow and inwards. Beware of being loyal only to yourself. Beware of seeing others as things to be manipulated like dolls on a string. Because you might be great, yet even the greatest tyrant is still nothing but a tyrant._

 _So put me on! Don't be afraid!_

 _No need to be afraid, not much anyway. At least I can guarantee you won't catch lice. And go to a house you will, and mostly you will be right as rain there. What happens next? Why, that is up to you little buggers. It's not as if I'm responsible for what you do with what you are given._

 _And don't get in a flap!_

 _Unless you are far too complex, and no matter where you go, you will find yourself limited. Don't blame me, though. I had a word or two with the founders, or two-thousand even, but would they listen? Of course not. Let's split our people into four separate parts, they cried, and as they decreed, so I continue to do._

 _You're in safe hands (though I have none)_

 _But don't I wish I had. There's quite a few people I'd_ _ _love__ _to slap silly, if only I had hands. So much talent, wasted. So much ambition, misguided. So much blindness, so much hatred, so much prejudice. So many things wrong with this world, and all I can give you is a silly song._

 _For I'm a Thinking Cap!_

Because for all the thoughts I think, there is no-one who will listen to them. But who knows, maybe you'll be the one to put me on again, to question my judgement or your own wishes. And what I will tell you is this: That was then, and this is now. Everything changes and nothing stands still.

And you could not step twice into the same river.

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AN: This hat is snarky and sarcastic. This hat is jaded and bored. This hat is also wise and philosophical, because it has had hundreds of years to think on the defining characteristics of the houses, and the pitfalls that go with them. Which is why there was a definite change in tone of voice when it came to the houses in particular. Oh and the last two sentences are quotes from the Greek philosopher Heraclitus.

You may also wonder how some people ended up in their respective houses, if the hat actually had such views and criteria. However, in some cases it may be a matter of not sorting them where they fit well, but where they will be the least misfits. Like say, Crabbe and Goyle. Now they are definitely not Ravenclaw material. And if they aren't brave, and perhaps also lazy and self-serving, where else could the hat put them but in Slytherin? Even though one cannot really accuse them of being subtle or cunning, either.

I went back and changed the Gryffindor section, as the original did not have much good to say about that house. Personally, I still find bravery rather lacking as a main defining characteristic. The same goes for honour and noblesse, because frankly those concept are rather undefined in my opinion. I mean, some pretty horrible deeds were justified in the name of honour over the course of history. Still, I hope I made the section more positive overall. But well, I am simply no Gryffindor myself. I guess it shows.

This will be a collection of one-shots, so while this will be marked as complete, there will be further instalments. And if anyone has a request or suggestion for a particular sorting, well, maybe my muse will oblige.

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	2. Sorting Crabbe, Vincent

Disclaimer: All characters and recognizable story elements belong to J. K. Rowling.

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AN: A word of warning: the Sorting Hat will likely be somewhat different from chapter to chapter. There will also not be any rhyme or order, as this is just a jumbled collection of one-shots. There is no plot. Some chapters might be funny, others more serious or even angsty, with the occasional touch of philosophical. Basically, whatever my brain happens to come up with at the time.

Anyway, in the first chapter I speculated about Crabbe and Goyle, and how they ended up in Slytherin. Well, this is what might have happened at their sorting … perhaps. Probably actually not. But you never know!

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"Crabbe, Vincent," McGonagall called out the next student's name.

'Oh dear, when did they start letting baby gorillas into the school?' the Hat thought as it was firmly placed onto said baby gorilla's head by the no-nonsense deputy headmistress.

It sat there. It prodded the contents of the aforementioned head. Somewhat surprisingly, it did find sufficient higher thought processes to clearly classify the head's owner as genus Homo rather than genus Gorilla. However, definitely nowhere near enough for Ravenclaw. That was most firmly out. So was Slytherin, because Crabbe, Vincent, did not have a subtle or cunning bone in his body. Neither was he particularly ambitious. He might be passably brave if forced by circumstances, but not enough to readily qualify him for Gryffindor, either. Especially since his sense of honour was somewhat … underdeveloped, as well.

Which left … Hufflepuff. Well, Crabbe, Vincent was actually fairly loyal. He would certainly cling to anybody who offered him a bone with almost dog-like devotion. And while he was not necessarily a workaholic, he was also not lazy enough to keep him out of the badger's sett. His morals might of course be better, but a stay around more law-abiding house-mates could therefore only be good for him.

Right. Hufflepuff it was.

The Hat was about to open its mouth and deliver the verdict, when it was interrupted by a pleading mental whimper.

'Please … not Hufflepuff! Anywhere but Hufflepuff.'

'No?' It shot back sharply in reply. Maybe more sharply than warranted, but it was startled by the desperation it felt. 'Why-ever not?'

'I can't … I don't wanna be a failure!' Crabbe, Vincent almost wailed.

'Being in Hufflepuff does not mean you are, Mr. Crabbe,' the Hat told him irritably.

'But everybody says so ...'

'And who exactly is _everybody_?'

'All my friends … my family, just everybody.'

At this point, the Sorting Hat rather felt like gnashing its teeth, and would have, if it had teeth in the first place. As it was, a frustrated ripple went through its fabric.

'I will have you know, young man, that house Hufflepuff is a very fine house indeed, and it is only the stupidly misinformed who look down on it!'

'But … I can't. I just can't go there! _Please_ don't put me with the Duffers!'

'Come on, Mr. Crabbe, it is surely not the world's ending for you? Why do you object so strongly?'

'Cause everyone in my family was always in Slytherin. All my friends are gonna be there, too. What will they think of me?'

The Hat considered the shame welling up in Crabbe, Vincent, at the thought of not measuring up. Which by itself, would not have made it reconsider. But along with the shame came the creeping fear of what a displeased family might well do to express that displeasure. Oh dear. This was not simply an aversion to be classed with a house perceived as hopeless. No. This seemed unfortunately one of these horrible cases where a sorting had to be determined not by what was best according to the student's personality, but rather by what was necessary for their continuing ... health.

Slytherin was certainly not going to be the best environment for Crabbe, Vincent, to grow up in. He would likely learn all the wrong lessons there. However, putting him in Hufflepuff could easily mean he was never going to learn anything at all, ever.

Because once the Hat started digging deeper, everything it could read in the head of Crabbe, Vincent, pointed to a significantly reduced life-expectancy if he ended up anywhere but Slytherin. Not good. Not good at all. It went against the Hat's very weave to deliberately miss-sort students, but sometimes it had to make an exception. This looked to be the time for one of those. It wrinkled up its brim in what would have been a grimace in a human, and gave a deep-felt mental sigh.

'Oh, very well, Mr. Crabbe. I will make an exception for you … this once. There had better not be any more this year, though,' it muttered to itself, before shouting out "SLYTHERIN" for all the Great Hall to hear.

Really, the things it was forced to do at times …

"Davis, Tracey," McGonagall called, sounding ever so slightly miffed at how long the Hat had taken over Crabbe, Vincent.

Well, at least that little chit was a Slytherin for real. She might have a few troubles there, being a Half-blood, but she would do well enough. It certainly seemed most of the difficulties it had with sorting students these days were caused in some way or other by bloody house _Slytherin_. Seriously, when had cunning and ambition turned into intolerance and narrow-mindedness? Old man Slytherin himself would be rolling over in his grave if he knew some of what had ended up perforce in his house … and some of what he had missed out on, because you simply could not sort a Muggle-born there these days …

Depressing, really.

…

A short while later …

"Goyle, Gregory."

'Not Hufflepuff, not Hufflepuff! Please!'

'NOT ANOTHER ONE!'


	3. Gryffindor or Slytherin

Disclaimer: All characters and recognizable story elements belong to J. K. Rowling.

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"I won't tell you that the world matters nothing, or the world's voice, or the voice of society. They matter a good deal. They matter far too much. But there are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely—or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands. You have that moment now. Choose!"

 _Oscar Wilde_

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"Ah, well. You could have been great," the Hat said slowly in his mind. Harry could tell from its mental tone that it wasn't too pleased with him for some reason. "Instead you will be merely … average. But brave, of course," it added almost mournfully. "So very brave. Therefore … better be ..."

Harry sighed inwardly and interrupted this drawn out, deliberately slow delivery. "All right, I'll bite. What is it that you are trying to tell me, Mr. Hat?"

His curiosity had always been his downfall. Even when he should have known better. He could certainly blame many a day of enforced fasting in his cupboard on his dratted curiosity. But the Dursleys had never managed to squash it out of him entirely. Still … if there ever _was_ a good time to indulge it, then it was probably now. After all, this sorting would define his next seven years. Maybe even longer. And McGonagall had said their house would be their family. He could surely spend a few moments to hear the Hat out, if it wanted him to reconsider _that_ badly.

The Hat did an odd little jig on his head. Or at least it felt like it.

"Yes!" it exclaimed. "He asked! Excellent. What you need to consider, Mr. Potter, is if you really wish to throw your future away because of your 'friendship' to _that_ boy."

Harry bristled instinctively. "What's wrong with Ron," he thought defensively.

"Oh, nothing _wrong_ as such. Not excessively, at least. But also too little … right, to put it bluntly. Now, sortings are private. I cannot tell you about those of others, just as I will not be able to tell others about yours. However, I have not sorted Mr. Weasley _yet_. And I do not need to sit on his head to see what he is like. Which gives me a convenient … loophole. Which I shall utilize, for your sake, Mr. Potter. Maybe for all our sakes," it added thoughtfully.

And then it was as if Harry could see into Ron's head. Or maybe his heart. Or even soul. Perhaps all three combined.

It became instantly obvious why the Hat wanted him to chose differently, and was even willing to bend the rules to give Harry this insight into his ... friend. And what a _lovely_ friend Ron would make.

Because the red-head was much too lazy for a Hufflepuff, and too self-centred to be truly loyal. He was also little interested in learning, as well as predisposed to form biased opinions on a whim … both of which meant he had no chance for Ravenclaw, either. He was also far too brash, unsubtle and undisciplined to survive as a Slytherin. Though he had plenty of ambitions. And they all revolved around himself. He also had a tendency to selfishness and greed, though he kept that suppressed. But as a result he was resentful and jealous of the accomplishments of others, while little inclined to actually work hard to achieve anything of his own.

Ron Weasley would most certainly go to Gryffindor. But not because he embodied its positive qualities. Rather he would go there because he was unsuited for anywhere else, and the Hat had to put him _somewhere_. And there was at least some Gryffindor in him, mostly due to the brashness. Because his thoughtlessness would likely make him rush into things, which could be interpreted as courage.

All in all, he was not necessarily such a very horrible person. No worse than most others, truth be told. He was mostly simply shallow and lazy. However, he would hardly make the ideal friend for Harry, who seemed destined to be plagued by fame, if what he'd seen from wizards so far continued. Ron would also not help Harry in making it through school successfully, with his lazy attitude. But most importantly, Ron's jealous clinging and abrasive personality would probably hinder Harry in making more friends, because the red-head would keep other people away from him.

"Do you see now, Mr. Potter?"

"Yeah. I guess I do. But ..."

Was his only alternative _Slytherin_? Did he really want to go there? He could still chose Gryffindor, and simply stay away from Ron. And what did the Hat mean with _great_ to begin with?

"Slytherin would challenge you far more," the Hat told him quietly. "It would not be easy for you there, I admit that. You could go to either house. But which of them you chose, decides which of your qualities will be strengthened. As well as the expectations everyone will have of you. Yes, Gryffindor will likely be the easier choice. It is certainly the one expected of you. However, I believe you will ultimately grow stronger in Slytherin, because you will find more challenge there. I fear you may find much danger in your future. Would you rather face it with bravery, or with well honed cunning?"

"Can't I do both?"

"Of course. But while Slytherin is unlikely to turn you into a coward, Gryffindor might unfortunately discourage your cunning and caution."

"I … still don't particularly want to go to Slytherin. And what will people think, if I end up there?"

"That is certainly a consideration, young Mr. Potter. I cannot deny that. However, our world is inherently biased. Whatever you do, you will be judged. Neither path will be easy. Both houses hold those who embody its best virtues … you would be one of those in either case. Just as both houses have students I had to put there because I could not place them anywhere else."

"Why did you put Malfoy in Slytherin, then?"

"His sorting I may not tell you about, Mr. Potter," the Hat chided gently. "All I will say is that I could have found an alternative place for him, unlike Mr. Weasley. He may also grow into a stronger person, provided he outgrows his dependence on his father … which is understandable at his age. Your friendship could even aid in that. Mr. Weasley, by contrast ..."

"Yeah. He'd have to grow up quite a bit," Harry admitted reluctantly. "But what about all the other evil wizards that came from Slytherin? And … Voldemort?"

The Hat gave Harry the feeling that it would have shrugged, had it been capable of that. " _Ambition_ , Mr. Potter. As well as the fact that I cannot help but place any there who are too cowardly, disloyal and unstudious to go elsewhere. Those most likely to seek the _easy_ path through life. Though the one who took so much from you was not one of those. He would have shone in Ravenclaw. And when he was younger he knew how to take risks, oh yes. However, he was not only ruled by ambition, but also anger, hate and resentment. In the end, it was his own choices which led him down a dark path. Not necessarily _Slytherin_."

Harry felt torn. His desire to be near Ron had certainly cooled … but that still didn't mean he wanted to be close to _Malfoy_ , either.

"It is your choice, Mr. Potter. I can easily send you into either house … I merely wished for your decision to be made as an _informed_ choice, rather than based on unfounded bias."

How not very helpful. Given that this decision now seemed quite important. On the other hand, it was kind of nice that it was _his_ decision. That was rather a first. Which still didn't help him in making it, unfortunately.

"No matter what you decide, always remember it is your choices that make you. Do not let people take that away from you. Consider, before you jump at the suggestion of others. Do your own research, gather your own information. Do not go charging blindly into something if you can help it."

Right. What did he actually know at the moment? Ron was definitely out as his 'best mate', that was for sure. He could be one friend of many, but no more. Otherwise … he could tell people expected him to go to Gryffindor, the 'good' house. What would they think of him if he went to the 'bad' one instead? Given how taken with the construct of 'Harry Potter the Hero' everybody seemed to be? He remembered the scene in the Leaky Cauldron with a shudder. Or the way Hermione had prattled on about the many books that apparently contained his story.

So, go with the expectations, and hide his Slytherin side amongst Gryffindor, nurturing it in silence? Or do the unexpected, and probably have everyone look at him with suspicion and distrust? Wouldn't that be almost like what he'd lived through until now, when his cousin had turned everyone against him?

Maybe he could become the Gryffindor who reached out to all the houses, since they all seemed to want a piece of him? By the looks of it, he'd be able to pick and choose. He wasn't that good at making friends, since he obviously lacked the practise, but his life had taught him pretty well who'd make a bad one. Which kind of begged the question why he hadn't spotted Ron? Had he really been so starved for friendship that he'd been willing to latch onto the first one who seemed interested in him? In hindsight that seemed quite stupid. Although in a way that confrontation with Malfoy had pushed him towards Ron, too. How very odd, if you thought of it like that. Probably not at all what the blond twit had intended when he sought out Harry.

In any case, it was much better to keep his options open, and see if he couldn't make some _really_ good friends of his own choosing. Without being in the middle of what looked to be a feud between Ron and Malfoy.

Of course he could also be ambitious and try Slytherin after all, and see if he could change people's expectations. Yeah. Well. Right. His whole life so far had been a demonstration of how easy _that_ was. Not. It would be far easier to swim with the stream, and be himself despite the expectations, than struggle against it, and try to change everyone else. Still … he was tempted to do it, if only to see the reactions he would get. And to become great, whatever that really meant.

"Choose, Mr. Potter."

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AN: Fan-fictions are inherently 'what if' stories. As such, the author of such a story has the advantage that the reader already knows how the original turned out. Most readers will also have ideas of their own how they would have liked the story to go. All a new variation can do is hopefully add to that, and perhaps make the reader think 'what if _'_ in a new direction.

So this is the story of 'what if' the Hat wanted Harry to make a somewhat more informed choice, and not one solely based on 'nice' Ron versus 'nasty' Malfoy. I deliberately ended it before Harry's choice, which would in the end only be _my_ choice. I am in fact quite curious what any readers of this story would pick in this situation, so if you have a second please do go and partake in the survey I put up on my profile!

Unfortunately, it is very hard to say whether Harry would have been better off in Slytherin. Yes, Snape might have treated him better, and even stepped in with the Dursleys. But he would very likely have faced a lot of internal antagonism in Slytherin, and definitely a lot of suspicion from outside. Certainly a lot of things could have worked out differently. Harry might have turned out stronger … or fallen to temptations. Lots of stories have been written about that, too.

Personally, I would have picked Gryffindor at this point. Not because I particularly like that house, but rather because at the age of eleven, totally ignorant of this new world and faced with lots of expectations from everybody, I believe he would not have done too well in Slytherin. And while I generally prefer a more Slytherin personality for him, I cannot really see canon Harry blossom in the snake-pit without a lot of struggle or help. But that is another 'what if'.

What I am convinced of, though, is that Harry would have done better with a different main friend than Ron Weasley. Let's face it, how much did Ron really contribute? Was there anything he did that someone else who was reasonably brave and competent could not have done just as well, or likely even better? And that is not even taking the dubious nature of his loyalty and faithfulness into account. Aside from being an ace at chess, I find Ron rather … lacking, overall.

As for Ron and Hermione as a couple … really? Personally, I cannot see the happy marriage of two so very different people, who frankly have no real shared interests whatsoever. Subconsciously, Ron would probably expect his wife to be like his mother, which Hermione simply isn't. Nor would Hermione have dealt well with his jealousy and perpetual under-performing in the long run. But apparently even Mrs. Rowling has come to agree those two are not ideal together.

Of course, I should give Ron the benefit of the doubt, but I simply do not like the character. I mean, try to imagine how he would have turned out if he had been the spoiled apple of his parent's eyes, instead of the youngest son? Frankly, I suspect he would have been another James Potter, only with fewer redeeming qualities. Even in canon, Ron was far too often a pretty bad friend, and held Harry back quite a bit. He was also the cause of a lot of the confrontations the trio had with Malfoy. Yes, he grew up eventually. But only after _a lot_ of life-altering experiences.

Regarding Draco Malfoy's alternative placement: I suspect he might have made an adequate Ravenclaw, because it does not say anywhere that he was bad academically. And frankly, anyone who plays Quidditch cannot be a total coward, either. You simply cannot play a game where you barrel along at insane speed through the air while they shoot iron balls at you without having some guts. I would also dare to claim that a lot of what was wrong with him was due to his spoiled, biased upbringing, compounded by Harry's rejection of him.

Whether he would have made a better friend than Ron, especially given the circumstances … well, I suspect most people will have their own opinion on that one. However, those two were undeniably a major deciding factor in Harry going to Gryffindor, so having the Hat deliver a differing viewpoint of them … might make for a different choice of house. Maybe. Who knows.

Anyway, sorry for the lengthy author's note. Sometimes my thoughts like to get away from me to go for a good, long, rambling stroll through 'what if' country.


End file.
